Crazy new haircut...

3/17/09

Well, I went and did it...cut all my hair off. I never thought I would give in but something hit me last Friday night and I decided to go get it professionally chopped off right in to a mohawk. Hey, it's a once in a lifetime for me cause I am almost through with this adventure =) What's the old saying "when life gives you lemons..." Well, life gave me an opportunity to do something I wish I would have had the guts to do in the 80's when it was cool to have funky colored spiky hair. I am pretty sure I am damaging my kids for life...LOL! Nah, really, they were right there with me so it's all good!

Here is a picture of the finished "normal" product...hubby and I with our "Bring It!" looks...we aren't scared!

Oh...and here is my St. Patty's Day Mohawk:

No telling what is next to come...I am gonna enjoy each and every funky hair while I still have them!

Okay, you asked for it...the whole WHINEY TRUTH!

3/11/09

I guess I have been intentionally avoiding blogging about the whole Chemo experience because I didn't want to become a whiney little baby in public. Fact is, you my friends, were not invited to my pity party. It was purely out of love for you that I had not included you to this point. . I wanted to be strong & tough and prove to you all that I could do this....well, I can do this...just not in the way that would make you proud.

I am a mess. I don't feel good and I hate it! I want to be at work with my friends. I want to be part of the group again, not part of me and my laptop sitting at home "free from germs" (yeah right...in my house??) so I don't get an infection worse than what is already brewing in me. Okay, so am I sounding pitiful enough? It's not like they have me on lockdown...truth is, I just have no energy to get up, get dressed and get out there...and in the words of the nurse - "if you can, we would prefer you work from home this week"...yeah, no problem...it's not like the amount of medications you have me on are going to make driving a safety issue or anything...duh.

So here it is...how do I really feel? Well, the day of Chemo, I believe I became a "true ditsy blonde"...I just remember saying stupid stuff and feeling kinda out of it. Towards the end, I felt a lot like I had the flu. I went home and took the nausea meds and probably slept...I can't remember. The next day, I was feeling pretty good but nothing sounded good as far as food....cause nothing had flavor but I never got that strange metallic taste that other people talk about...still, I use plastic utensils. I know I went to church Sunday but that is about it....yawned through most of the sermon...sorry Preacher...The rest is pretty much a blur...I have blisters on the back of my throat, everything I eat or drink makes my cheeks hurt, my nose runs like a faucet, I have had an ongoing dull headache for days...kinda like someone smacked me in the face with a frying pan...waking up in the morning with a 300lb invisible gorilla sitting on my chest is great...making it difficult to breathe. I am shedding like a long haired cat in the heat of the Summer...it's great to see your hair in everyone's food...lol. Adds flavor =) I am so ready to have this crap shaved off...this weekend my friends, this weekend!! Oh, and most recently, Neuropathy!! What a great feeling! My fingertips are numb but my hands feel like someone is sending shocks through the veins down in to my hands and up to my shoulders. Seriously, is that enough? I will save the irritability and mood swings for another day. I am pretty sure this post just knocked me down a few notches on the "we are so proud of you" ladder...

Sorry my friends...the truth of the matter is this...CHEMO SUCKS!

Footprints In the Sand

FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND

One night I had a dream.

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with God and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonged to me and the other to God.

When the last scene of my life flashed before us I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at certain times along the path of life there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of my life. This really bothered me and I questioned God about it.

"God you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way but I noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints in the sand. I don't understand why in times I needed you most you would leave me"

God replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you and would never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints in the sand it was then I was carrying you."

Rollercoasters....wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

And so the real countdown begins...or maybe I should say, already began. Ever since radiation ended, the positive and happy attitude has gone in to hiding...well, sort of. What began as an "adventure" that I was ready to face head on has suddenly become scary reality that I want to run and hide from. I am having an argument of sorts with my psyche as to why I am going to have to go through hell to feel better when I didn't feel bad as it was. I totally understand that I am blessed to have had this Cancer discovered as early as I did and I should be grateful that there are doctors and medicines that can potentially cure me but still...part of me just doesn't get it. Maybe it is my "inner child" saying how unfair it is...I don't know. Whatever the case, I am scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of the possible side effects, scared of not being able to be there for my husband and kids, scared of falling behind on my job...you name it, I am afraid of it. Stupid, I know but I can't get over the feelings. I have been an emotional mess some days, other days I am strong as the proverbial Ox. I guess it was about time I faced the reality of it all and cried though. It actually feels good to just break down and be human every now and then. I don't want to make a habit of it though...crying that is...not being human! With all that being said, I have an appointment with my Oncologist tomorrow to discuss a few concerns that I am having and I am fairly certain that should calm my fears for the moment. Then again, that inner child of mine is a strong willed brat!

Oh!! I almost forgot!! I got letters last week from my "Chemo Angels" and they both seem very sweet and a lot like me...as in a lot of the same interests. It's kind of cool to have pen pals and I hope I can write back to them and share my life with them! I need to make that a priority this week...plus I have tons of thank you cards to write! I thought I would take them with me to my Chemo appointment and write them then. Mom will be with me so she can kick me in the butt to get them done! I am the worlds worst procrastinator as it is and this situation has not helped a bit! I have asked mom to bring her camera with her so she can take pictures of my treatment...should be interesting.

Alright...enough babbling for now. I have things to do tonight but I just don't have the drive. Blah! I wish I could wake up and this would all be a dream...