Rollercoasters....wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

And so the real countdown begins...or maybe I should say, already began. Ever since radiation ended, the positive and happy attitude has gone in to hiding...well, sort of. What began as an "adventure" that I was ready to face head on has suddenly become scary reality that I want to run and hide from. I am having an argument of sorts with my psyche as to why I am going to have to go through hell to feel better when I didn't feel bad as it was. I totally understand that I am blessed to have had this Cancer discovered as early as I did and I should be grateful that there are doctors and medicines that can potentially cure me but still...part of me just doesn't get it. Maybe it is my "inner child" saying how unfair it is...I don't know. Whatever the case, I am scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of the possible side effects, scared of not being able to be there for my husband and kids, scared of falling behind on my job...you name it, I am afraid of it. Stupid, I know but I can't get over the feelings. I have been an emotional mess some days, other days I am strong as the proverbial Ox. I guess it was about time I faced the reality of it all and cried though. It actually feels good to just break down and be human every now and then. I don't want to make a habit of it though...crying that is...not being human! With all that being said, I have an appointment with my Oncologist tomorrow to discuss a few concerns that I am having and I am fairly certain that should calm my fears for the moment. Then again, that inner child of mine is a strong willed brat!

Oh!! I almost forgot!! I got letters last week from my "Chemo Angels" and they both seem very sweet and a lot like me...as in a lot of the same interests. It's kind of cool to have pen pals and I hope I can write back to them and share my life with them! I need to make that a priority this week...plus I have tons of thank you cards to write! I thought I would take them with me to my Chemo appointment and write them then. Mom will be with me so she can kick me in the butt to get them done! I am the worlds worst procrastinator as it is and this situation has not helped a bit! I have asked mom to bring her camera with her so she can take pictures of my treatment...should be interesting.

Alright...enough babbling for now. I have things to do tonight but I just don't have the drive. Blah! I wish I could wake up and this would all be a dream...